I edit myself to vanilla - so much existential dread, living in all the nuance of systems and pattern thinking, the want to provide context .. all wrapped up in perfectionism (of wanting to give others the best version of me). So i write responses, edit and often delete! am working up to launching my own substack. so I’m very much appreciative of this post and all your observations. and here I am showing up messily! and still editing!!!
no expectations of a response to my message of course! 🙃
Absolutely, absolutely Laura! Thanks so much for your words, I feel you in every word. We need to normalize showing up, no matter if messily, beautifully, and bravely. I read your words and recognized something so familiar, that tension between wanting to offer our fullest truth and the instinct to sand it down until it’s smooth enough to be safe. I live inside that loop write, edit, hesitate, delete too. And still, here we are. Here you are. not polished, not packaged, just real. That’s already more than enough.
When we launch a Substack, we all need to keep a little space for that messy version of ourselves, the one who doesn’t wait until everything feels perfect to speak. That version might just be the one who connects most!
Please know your words landed. And I’m really glad you didn’t delete this time (and I'm also glad that I won my own fears and took the initiative too!)💚💚
I think we all understand Josh, it's one of those quirks people recognise but maybe never put into words, then you feel like you need to explain it so nobody misunderstands you!
Yes, completely, dear Mark. I think the urge to explain isn’t just about avoiding misunderstanding, but it’s also a way of reaching out, saying something like "this is part of me, do you see it too?" And when someone does, without correcting, it feels like a door gently opening where you didn’t know one could exist. But important, we must exercise it inside ourselves to avoid being dependent from someone else's behavior!
This might not make sense outside of my own head but here goes…
I think we all understand each other, more than we realise.
I think that I am much better at assuming how other people feel internally, than I am about how people feel about my actions.
To give that an example to clarify the point, similar to what you have mentioned.
If I send you a text message, and you don’t respond straight away. I will perhaps assume you’re busy, you saw it but didn’t have time to respond or maybe forgot.
If you send me a message and I do the same, and don’t respond, if and when I realise I feel that you must now be angry with me and now I need to go into great detail to explain myself.
I find it helpful to imagine the reverse situation and how I would feel on the other end of it before getting too anxious about it.
When we recognise that in each other I think we can be much more comfortable with that person.
I really hope that makes sense, it was actually quite hard to describe in words!
I can so relate. I want to comment so many times. In work communities, here on substack, in chats on livestreams, you name it. I barely do start writing at all and if I do, it's usually neber send. All out of the usual suspects: am I too loud, to intense, impolite, too long, too whatever. There's always a reason to not press send. Sometimes the whole process and the aftermath is driving me nuts.
Josh, this is a courageous piece. It’s hard to name our pain publicly like this. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a real thing - it’s not your fault you’re exquisitely sensitive to real or perceived rejection or criticism- it’s the way we are wired. I just wrote about it - let me know if you decide to take a look at it
Thank you for speaking to this. I usually don't worry about this too much, bc up till recently my audience was pretty small. When my last post went viral I found a new level of pressure and anxiety about how to respond. People were pouring their hearts and stories out in the comments and they felt so precious and moving, I felt the fear you describe. Of getting it wrong and not doing justice to these vulnerable shares or glowing words of appreciation. I head fucked about the balance between not too distant and not too effusive, too. I realised how hard I TRY.
Feeling seen! I agonized for days over a snarky comment on my cookbook and never had the courage to actually type the reply. It's been so great to read your work these past weeks and feel like it's not just me. That I'm not alone. Thank you for putting yourself out there for the rest of us. And sorry for not commenting sooner!
I edit myself to vanilla - so much existential dread, living in all the nuance of systems and pattern thinking, the want to provide context .. all wrapped up in perfectionism (of wanting to give others the best version of me). So i write responses, edit and often delete! am working up to launching my own substack. so I’m very much appreciative of this post and all your observations. and here I am showing up messily! and still editing!!!
no expectations of a response to my message of course! 🙃
I find your honesty uplifting and what you say resonates . Thank you.
Thanks Darri! Grateful with all honesty too, be sure!💚
Absolutely, absolutely Laura! Thanks so much for your words, I feel you in every word. We need to normalize showing up, no matter if messily, beautifully, and bravely. I read your words and recognized something so familiar, that tension between wanting to offer our fullest truth and the instinct to sand it down until it’s smooth enough to be safe. I live inside that loop write, edit, hesitate, delete too. And still, here we are. Here you are. not polished, not packaged, just real. That’s already more than enough.
When we launch a Substack, we all need to keep a little space for that messy version of ourselves, the one who doesn’t wait until everything feels perfect to speak. That version might just be the one who connects most!
Please know your words landed. And I’m really glad you didn’t delete this time (and I'm also glad that I won my own fears and took the initiative too!)💚💚
I think we all understand Josh, it's one of those quirks people recognise but maybe never put into words, then you feel like you need to explain it so nobody misunderstands you!
Yes, completely, dear Mark. I think the urge to explain isn’t just about avoiding misunderstanding, but it’s also a way of reaching out, saying something like "this is part of me, do you see it too?" And when someone does, without correcting, it feels like a door gently opening where you didn’t know one could exist. But important, we must exercise it inside ourselves to avoid being dependent from someone else's behavior!
This might not make sense outside of my own head but here goes…
I think we all understand each other, more than we realise.
I think that I am much better at assuming how other people feel internally, than I am about how people feel about my actions.
To give that an example to clarify the point, similar to what you have mentioned.
If I send you a text message, and you don’t respond straight away. I will perhaps assume you’re busy, you saw it but didn’t have time to respond or maybe forgot.
If you send me a message and I do the same, and don’t respond, if and when I realise I feel that you must now be angry with me and now I need to go into great detail to explain myself.
I find it helpful to imagine the reverse situation and how I would feel on the other end of it before getting too anxious about it.
When we recognise that in each other I think we can be much more comfortable with that person.
I really hope that makes sense, it was actually quite hard to describe in words!
I can so relate. I want to comment so many times. In work communities, here on substack, in chats on livestreams, you name it. I barely do start writing at all and if I do, it's usually neber send. All out of the usual suspects: am I too loud, to intense, impolite, too long, too whatever. There's always a reason to not press send. Sometimes the whole process and the aftermath is driving me nuts.
Josh, this is a courageous piece. It’s hard to name our pain publicly like this. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a real thing - it’s not your fault you’re exquisitely sensitive to real or perceived rejection or criticism- it’s the way we are wired. I just wrote about it - let me know if you decide to take a look at it
I NEEDED THIS
Thank you for speaking to this. I usually don't worry about this too much, bc up till recently my audience was pretty small. When my last post went viral I found a new level of pressure and anxiety about how to respond. People were pouring their hearts and stories out in the comments and they felt so precious and moving, I felt the fear you describe. Of getting it wrong and not doing justice to these vulnerable shares or glowing words of appreciation. I head fucked about the balance between not too distant and not too effusive, too. I realised how hard I TRY.
Feeling seen! I agonized for days over a snarky comment on my cookbook and never had the courage to actually type the reply. It's been so great to read your work these past weeks and feel like it's not just me. That I'm not alone. Thank you for putting yourself out there for the rest of us. And sorry for not commenting sooner!