When your family doesn't understand ADHD

Keep your emotions strong and avoid a reaction you could later regret

How was the reception in your family when you first mentioned you suspected you had ADHD and when you got your diagnosis?

The reality differs sharply among families. While some are really supportive and contribute greatly to the well-being of the person with ADHD, others aren't healthy environments and simply perpetuate common stereotypes about anything that deviates from neurotypical patterns.

In my case, the reception was initially warm. My mother stood by my side, and my brother was curious and surprised. He was the first person I told, and at the time, we had a close relationship. He even kindly paid for the sessions I had with the psychologist, which eventually led to the suspicion of ADHD and the subsequent diagnosis by the psychiatrist. It was really kind of him at a time when I was completely broke, and I'll never forget that.

However, when I suggested that he and his son, my nephew, consider the possibility of having ADHD due to its genetic nature, he strongly contradicted me. His reaction was so strange that I didn't bring up the subject again. I really think my nephew, who was seven years old at the time, might have ADHD, but I never felt confident enough to talk about it again with my brother.

Three years later, the dynamics of my relationship with my brother changed significantly for no exact reason. It's just a normal part of life: we get older, our interests diverge. He became a renowned lawyer in our town and started living a very different lifestyle, with other friends and expensive habits, which contrasted with mine. My life is more related to the arts, struggling to transition careers, and full of financial hardships.

It may seem like the classic discomfort that emerges between a neurotypical and a neurodiverse person in a family, but it’s not really that. We never had an argument, and nothing effectively bad happened. A distance just opened up, and our contact was mostly restricted to family events such as birthdays.

Last week, something unpleasant happened at one of these family events. He and his wife started talking about a relative of hers who was visiting the town and behaving badly, in their terms. My mother and I asked them if she had any problems, and they responded with the classic:

"She's just crazy. She says she has ADHD, but you know, today everyone has ADHD," with a deeply disapproving face.

They were so judgmental and quite angry when they said it that I was left speechless. I simply lost my words, especially because they knew very well they were sharing a table with someone with ADHD. My mother also couldn’t react.

That hurt so much because discovering ADHD was like another chance at life for me. It was a saving event that provided me with so many answers and helped me build so many other strategies. Not to mention, I am on Threads every single day for hours, talking, planning, and thinking about ADHD to share with my fellow ADHDers from the ADHD International Alliance.

I thought about sending him an SMS the next day to tell him his words hurt me, that he could never know how challenging it is to have ADHD. He could never envision how many difficulties I went through and still face because of my ADHD. But unsure of what to say, I controlled my impulses and decided to stay silent.

This came at a big price, of course. I slept badly for three nights, cried, and felt disrespected. I don't know if it's correct to say, but I think I felt a little abused. It’s important to resolve our grievances to avoid them exploding inside us.

I finally chose to keep it inside. Exploding inside. I shared the story on Threads and received a lot of interesting insights, which were very important in helping me decide not to extend the issue. At first, I was determined to think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, but later I realized that the distance that had opened between us might have made him forget about my ADHD.

Thanks to the messages, I realized I didn't need to take it personally and was glad I didn’t start an argument. I could take it personally as an advocate for ADHD awareness, of course, but not as a brother. At the end of the day, his prejudices, his concepts, his points of view are exclusively about him and not me. He is free to choose what to think, even if it's completely wrong. It's his business, and he will face the consequences if it takes.

If you have something similar in your family, try to avoid taking offense. At least, examine the situation well before escalating a conflict you might regret in the future. We ADHDers may have a tendency to interpret some expressions from others as being about us, but often they aren't. Like my brother, for example. His opinions about ADHD reflect only on himself and no one else.

Even if his intention was to hurt me, which I really don't think was the case, it’s still on him and not me. And in the end of the day, his opinions will have a minimal effect on the normal path of our lives!