Reflections on Neurodiversity and Narcissism

It's never too late to reflect on what we've said and regret saying it.

The main idea behind the ADHD International Alliance is to promote unity and empowerment for everyone who has ADHD or suspects they may have it. Living in a world where neurotypical behavior is expected all the time is a significant burden for us because we cannot fit ourselves into many of the current patterns.

This alliance was created to be a community where we find comfort in knowing that we are not alone. It's a place where we can recognize that some traits of our behavior related to ADHD are not inherently wrong. While ADHD poses challenges, it also presents opportunities if managed effectively.

At the same time, it was never intended to be a space where controversies arise with the intent of gaining engagement on social media. On the contrary, it was designed to be a place of understanding, comfort, self-reflection, and compassion, with a touch of humor. All within an environment of respect and tolerance.

That said, I want to address an incident that made me quite uncomfortable. This weekend, I posted something in Threads that brought a range of mixed feelings, and I would like to address it. It wasn't a post, per se, but a repost of a random thought I saw on my feed, to which I added a comment.

The repost said, "Normalize not bringing up a relatable story about yourself when someone is telling you something about themselves, and just listen," while I added, "It's often the first hint we are dealing with a narcissist."

First and foremost, I recognize that this comment had its problems, and I would like to extend my apologies to anyone who found it offensive or inaccurate. Two days later, thanks to much feedback, I got clarity on the matter.

It was my mistake to be insensitive enough to disregard the fact that sharing our own experiences is sometimes the only way a neurodiverse person can express that they are listening and understanding. It may perfectly be an attempt to establish common ground with the interlocutor, fueled by empathy. People with ADHD may struggle with social cues or communication but typically do not intend to harm or manipulate others. Narcissists, on the other hand, often seek attention, admiration, and control over others.

However, even though I acknowledge that I posted something inappropriate, I'd like to explain my perspective. I won't delete it; instead, I'll keep it up as a testament that we are all bound to make mistakes and recognize our failures.

I have a long history with people who exhibit behaviors that could be generally considered "narcissistic", individuals who believe the world revolves around them and that everyone owes them something. Throughout my 44 years, I've encountered family members, partners, colleagues, bosses, teachers, and even friends who turn every conversation into a platform for bragging about their achievements, their superiority, and their uniqueness. While I've always tried to express empathy and consider their points of view, I've often received back complete disinterest in my own life, thoughts, or opinions.

For many years, I thought this behavior was normal, something I should get used to. However, as the clarity that only many years of life can provide, I started to realize that some of these individuals were simply using me to validate themselves and their stories. Every time I was with them, for years, absolutely at every single time. They were indifferent to my thoughts or dreams, and I noticed this after countless encounters where they showed minimal interest in anything I had to say.

This brings me to the issue of consistency, a concept I overlooked when I made my comment on the repost. The problem isn't sharing relatable stories in itself, but doing so persistently and persistently over time, across several relationships, and often with a manipulative or exploitative pattern. This is never the case for neurodivergent individuals simply trying to be empathetic.

Another mistake I made was labeling a behavior, such as sharing relatable stories, as a sign of a serious condition like narcissism. This is a serious accusation, listed among personality disorders in medical literature, and I should never have made such a claim without proper expertise. Narcissism requires a careful approach, and labeling someone as a "narc" is particularly discourteous to those struggling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), who often face significant challenges in seeking treatment.

In summary, two key elements must always be kept in mind: recognizing individual differences and avoiding labeling behaviors that we may find unusual. This is something that neurotypicals often overlook when interacting with us, and as neurodiverse individuals, we should never fall into the same trap, especially considering and knowing how hurtful it can be.

As I conclude this statement of apologies, I realize that how people respond to feedback or criticism may speak about them: Neurodivergent individuals are often open to feedback and willing to adjust their behavior with support and understanding. In contrast, those lacking empathy may react defensively, dismiss feedback, or blame others for perceived flaws.

I probably belong to the former group, if considered this lengthy apology. However, acknowledging my mistake does not absolve me of it. By sharing this apology, I want to demonstrate that we are all susceptible to making mistakes and saying things we haven't adequately examined.

This doesn't make me a better or worse person, just as it won't make you any less human when it's your turn to apologize. We are all imperfect beings.

Thanks for everyone who dropped a line, no matter the opinion.