Living in desperation because of ADHD
The frustation of not being able to start things are colossal and sometimes beyond my control
One of the biggest gains I've made since my ADHD diagnosis in 2021 was understanding that the possibility of success in something radically increases if we dedicate time to planning. Establishing goals, roadmaps, tasks, and a timetable is never wasted time but a real investment that will pay off by making things more automatic, independent of our unstable moods and circumstances typical of an ADHD mind.
Having understood this, I finally moved to another level from the locomotion patterns of my actions that dictated my life for more than 30 years. Like never before, I started to build a more advanced level of self-awareness. Today, I can map out my priorities like a pro. Not only that, I can break them into subtasks, divide those into stages, and calculate the optimal time for each one. Besides, I have built complex systems to theorize how I can maximize my efficiency.
But there's still one tiny, colossal problem: actually starting the tasks.
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Procrastination is still my constant state of mind and spirit. No matter how well I plan, I find myself stuck in the cycle of putting things off. When it comes to creative tasks, or the ones that I need to perform looking into projectable opportunities in the future and without an immediate compensation, it's like my delaying patterns level up to a boss battle. Seriously, it feels like there's an invisible force, or an invisible entity, keeping me from getting things done.
Sometimes, to be fair, a lot of times, I just want to scream loud and cry out of such frustration, knowing what needs to be done but being unable to do it.
Why is starting things so hard? For me, it's so cruel that it's becoming almost funny: it feels like someone somewhere is controlling my body and mind by completely blocking me from doing what's important to elevate my life towards my objectives, laughing at my desperation as I watch my life go by, my energy amassed among the less meaningful things of my everyday, and I'm stuck in frustration, sadness, poverty, and uncertainty about the future.
But it’s not someone somewhere controlling me, nor laughing at me. It’s all up to me. It’s my responsibility to manage my life, my responsibility to manage things. It’s my job to raise my self-knowledge and find ways to unlock my future.
The future that I could be building at the same time I'm mindlessly scrolling on social media, unaware of myself, my life, my projects, my talents, and the world.
Living in locomotion again, except with a beautiful, colorful, and complex schedule full of timestamps and symbols of priorities that I simply feel frightened to take a second look at to start the step of action.
My locomotion state remains the same. Medical treatment, psychological therapy, counseling, and help groups have all offered a share of improvement for me, varying in scale and from time to time. But my core challenge remains present and high. Sometimes, it seems that I have improved very little from before my diagnosis.
But the simple fact that I'm writing this and venting it off may be a signal that I'm not so unaware of myself. That a way is coming for me, that I need to rely on myself, my talents, and my energy to keep myself concentrated and ready to make the advancements I need to make. Without pursuing perfection, while doing the best I can. Without unrealistic expectations.
Letting life flow its path, following the path of life, if possible having some fun with that and reinvesting the energy obtained from fun into improvements for my projects and myself.
Above everything, I need to be kind to myself. To my brain. To my body. To my existence. Accepting myself for what I am. Avoiding being judgmental about what I didn't manage to do.
Maybe we ADHDers will never overcome procrastination for good. At least for me, it seems that it's as normal a state of affairs as the law of gravity is for the planet. But just like life can flourish on the planet, we can flourish amidst our circumstances, even if it includes falling into procrastination from time to time.
Gravity may be a constraint to life on Earth, as living beings are critically subjected to it if they fall even from a small height. But life still flourishes on this planet despite that. And everyone with ADHD can perfectly flourish without limits despite this constraint called procrastination.
It is a significant constraint, sure, but nothing more than that. And life will always be full of constraints for everyone, ADHD or not.