ADHD, Hyperfixation, And The Illusion of Love
For the ADHD hearts that never really learned the difference
If this helped you name something you’ve been carrying alone, I’m glad you found this space. The pull of hyperfixation is real, but so is your capacity for something steadier. I’ll keep offering what I can. That’s what this Alliance is here for.
Falling in love for someone can feel like everything at once.
Fast. Overwhelming. Impossible to ignore.
Some feelings move in fast.
You meet someone, and your thoughts begin to orbit around them before anything has even begun.
When you live with ADHD, this kind of intensity makes sense.
It gets even harder to tell what’s real.
You feel everything more, and often before it makes sense. It creates a sense of forward motion.
But not everything that feels deep is safe.
Sometimes, the emotional surge comes from something else entirely.
Hyperfixation.
Love and hyperfixation don’t look that different at a first glance.
Both can take over your mind, rearrange your life, or make you feel like the most important thing in the world.
But they’re not the same.
Two different patterns
Hyperfixation rushes in without warning
Love tends to take its time.
One fills your head with urgency, the other gives you space to breathe.
Hyperfixation creates anxiety, love brings steadiness.
With hyperfixation, routines shift, priorities blur, and peace becomes hard to access. The connection feels urgent, even when nothing is wrong.
Love gives you space to breathe.
Hyperfixation brings panic at the smallest sign it’s not available, not love.
This isn’t always easy to spot.
For years, strong emotion was the signal we trusted most.
But which one of those emotions?
Where the confusion begins
Many of us never learned how to separate fear from desire. This difference. Especially those diagnosed with ADHD later in life.
The first sign of attention felt like rescue. So we followed it, hoping it would lead to something solid.
When it faded for some reason or without any reason, we assumed we had done something wrong.
When it crashed, we turned the blame inward.
The emotional crash is more than disappointment. It’s a collapse of identity, energy, meaning.
When you live with ADHD, you’ve very likely confused love with obsession. I did that so many times. And then we eventually turned the fallout into personal failure.
But the pain wasn’t proof of failure. It was a sign of something misunderstood.
It was a brain trying to feel steady in a world that rarely made room for how it works.
Learning what to ask
Start by asking better questions.
Does this feeling ground me?
Can it survive without intensity?
Am I curious, or am I spiraling?
Hyperfixation tends to fade, flare, or crash. Love, instead, doesn’t really rely on novelty to stay alive.
Is your body calm when things are quiet?
Can you enjoy the space between interactions?
Do you still feel like yourself?
Hyperfixation takes over. Love makes room.
The difference is almost always to notice in the moment, but once you learn the “texture” of each, it gets easier to step back.
A real connection supports your shape.
It doesn't ask you to perform closeness.
It doesn't lean on intensity to survive.
When the difference becomes clear, a lot of the chaos starts to fall away.
And when you can name it, you can stop giving your entire nervous system to something that was never meant to hold it!
Before you name it love, pay attention to how it lands in your body
Does it bring peace, or does it pull you out of yourself?
Can you step back without collapsing?
Is this a connection you could build a life around, or just something to hold onto right now?
We don’t need more hyperfixation. That feeling might come on strong, but it isn’t stable. It doesn’t lead anywhere.
It answers the moment, not the future.
It fills a gap, but it doesn’t build a bridge.
What we need is something that lasts. Not intensity, but direction.
Not obsession, but connection we can live inside without losing who we are.
Not hyperfixation, but true and honest love.
The one that grows gently.
The one that stays when everything else gets loud!
💚 If this echoed something you’ve felt but never named, send it to someone who still confuses urgency with love. They might not have the words yet. This could help.
💚 If you’ve been through this and want to speak it out loud, leave a comment. No pressure to make it perfect. You’re not the only one learning to tell the difference!
Received my ADHD diagnosis Summer of 2024, in my early 40’s. Suddenly so much of my childhood, adolescence and adulthood experiences made sense! One of the biggest eye openers was my realization why I always end up bored and disinterested in every single one of my romantic relationships - including two marriages. I’ve literally never experienced romantic love - only hyperfixation! The various relationships lasted different amounts of time, but they all followed the same pattern that led to me ending things.
Great read, thank you. When I look back on my romantic relationships I see that I’ve often been part of me in each one but I’ve rarely been the whole me. I wonder if this has something to do with it too?